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The Ratty Fun Pages |
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The Ratty Fun Pages |
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Assorted Rat Humour
How to tell your boy rat has reached puberty
1. You find much chewed
copies of PlayRat magazine in his stash when cleaning up his cage.
2. He's given up all
his favourite healthy treats in favour of yogurt drops and coke.
3. He demands you
put a lockable privacy door on the litter tray.
4. 555-HOTRATS is
programmed into your phone's speed dial.
5. You discover that
your drivers license has been "fixed" with a photo of your rat, so he can
get into clubs.
6. Scritches are no
longer acceptable in public places.
7. He dribbles pee
all over your house without embarrassment
Why pet rocks are better than pet rats
1. Rocks don't poop
2. Rocks don't scent
mark, although if they're dirty they can leave smudges
3. Rocks don't need
to be fed or watered
4. Rocks stay where
you put them, don't try to escape from their cages and don't run under
the furniture to hide
5. Rocks don't gnaw
everything in your house
6. Very few people
are allergic to rocks
7. Rocks don't breed
uncontrollably
8. Rocks are rarely
territorial or hormonally aggressive
9. When you take your
rock out in public, people are never appalled about your choice of pet
10. Rocks don't run
up huge vet bills
11. Rocks hardly ever
get infestations of lice or fleas
12. Although rocks
can scratch you, they never bite
13. Rocks have a much
much much longer life span
Shame they don't brux, give you whiskery kisses, enjoy cuddling up in your lap, do comical and clever things, get up to mischief, beg for treats and love you.
If your ratty gets all scatty
'cos his coat is getting matty
And he's acting kinda batty
now he doesn't look so natty
If he starts to get all
chatty and to voice pratty demands
Then beware! You've got
a bratty tatty ratty on your hands.
If your doe has had a go
with all her bro' bucks in a row
And you've seen her face
aglow and her belly grow with woe
If she's getting glad and
gloating and gargantuous in girth
Then at any time you guess
that your grand girl is gonna birth
If your buck has had no luck
getting his lazy butt unstuck
And you pluck him from his
hammock to a chorus of "You suck!"
If his flaccid furry form
is in a squishy slug disguise
Then it's right to get this
roly rotund rat some exercise.
<over enthusiastic promotional voice>
Tired of hours spent slaving away at the kitchen sink or enduring ugly dishpan hands? Annoyed at the inefficiency and complicated use of those other dishwashers? Then this is the product for you!
Designed by a team of world class biologists, The Verminator! is the cutting edge in kitchen cleaning technology. Just place your dirty dishes in the specially designed rodent cage and within minutes The Verminator!'s biological cleaning agents will produce sparkling clean dishes. No need to add any of those nasty chemical detergents and with no electricity use you'll be saving money and the environment!
The Verminator! Dishwasher - for squeaky clean dishes!
But wait... there's more!! Buy today and you'll receive not one, but two hungry rats! Yes, that's right... this wonderful new product complete with two hungry rats. Double the cleaning power - perfect for dinner parties and other high speed cleaning applications.
And as a special to our credit card customers who phone in the next 30 minutes, a free introductory offer of a pair of baby mice, perfect for cleaning delicate glassware.
Yes, that's right, you get The Verminator!, not one, but two hungry rats PLUS a pair of baby mice... everything you'll ever want for your kitchen cleaning needs, all at this amazingly low price!!!
Call now on 555-CleanRat, our operators are standing by.
Rat Property
Laws
<adapted from Kid
Property Laws>
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If I've peed on it, it's
mine.
3. If I can take it from
you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little
while ago, it's mine.
5. If you've got something
larger, it's mine.
6. If I'm chewing something
up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it's in my reach,
it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's
mine.
9. If you are playing with
something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken or it
tastes bad, it's yours.
Why rats are better than babies
1. You don't have to
change poopy nappies on rats and they can be toilet trained from as early
as 5 weeks.
2. Rats may not sleep
through the night, but they have the sense to not scream their lungs out
and wake you (and all the neighbourhood) up too.
3. If you need a break
from your rats, you can put them in their cage for a time out.
4. Rats don't need
your body for feeding times.
5. Rat cages may be
expensive, but they're much cheaper than prams/strollers, cots, basinettes,
change tables, high chairs, slings, car capsules, etc.
6. Rats rarely projectile
vomit on you.
7. Rats are cute all
the time, not just when they're asleep.
8. Rats don't require
expensive trendy outfits which will be outgrown within days.
9. You can acquire
rat toys for free from recycle bins and kitchen waste.
10. Rats don't grow
up to be bratty teenagers.
11. Rats don't need
bibs and they clean their faces themselves.
The Rat's Revenge
by Uli Stein
More
of Uli Stein's cartoons
Back to
index
Q. How many rats does
it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. Nimbus
to hold the bulb in and wait for the world to revolve around him.
A. Two. One
to remove the old one, the other to pee all over the replacement bulb so
that it trips the electrical circuit.
A. None, they prefer
to be in the dark.
A. All of them.
One to take the bulb out and the others to fight over who gets to stash
it.
A. Why change it?
The rats have already gnawed through all the house wiring, which is why
the bulb wasn't working in the first place.
Q. What's the difference
between rats and kids?
A. Although both leave
stuff all over the floor, at least a rat will stash it all into a neat
pile somewhere out of sight.
Gone with the wind - Margaret
Mitchell
"Frankly my dear, I don't
give a rat's arse"
A tale of two cities - Charles
Dickens
"They were the best of rats,
they were the worst of rats"
(Obviously referring
to Statty and Nimbus)
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
- S.T. Colleridge
"Ratties, ratties everywhere
And all the house did stink
Ratties, ratties everywhere
Too many rats you'd think"
or:
"As idle as a painted buck
Upon a painted hammock"
Romeo and Juliet -
Shakespeare
"O Ratty, Ratty! wherefore
art thou ratty?"
Pride and Prejudice - Jane
Austen
"It is a truth universally
acknowledged, that a single man in
possession of a good fortune
must be in want of a rat"
Element: Rattium
Symbol: Rt
Atomic weight:
450g
Physical properties:
A solid a room temperature,
although has a tendency to melt into a pliable form when massaged.
Despite attraction for power
cords, it is a poor electrical conductor.
Far from dense.
Thermally insulated by a
layer of soft fibres which magnetically attracts human skin of the hands
and lips.
Emits an audible alarm when
squeezed or poked.
Chemical properties:
Rt+ attempts to bond with
Rt- at any chance it gets.
Rt+ can become explosive
when mixed with similar ions, but is effectively diffused by removal of
large electrons to form neutral Rt.
Propensity to consume any
organic matter it encounters.
Becomes excited by addition
of Element Yg (Yogurtdropium).
Insoluble in water, although
wetting tends to turn it into a harshly acidic reagent that is hazardous
to human skin.
Once established in an area,
it acts as a catalyst for the absorption of more and more of like element
into that area.
Usage:
Industrial use is limited
to minor fertilizer production and as a biological paper shredder.
Considered by some to be
a rare and precious commodity in it's natural state.
Cautions:
Prone to leakage of internal
fluids.
Without careful monitoring,
can cause environmental degradation.
The Rodent Education Centre offers the following courses, available to all ratties:
"Gnaw your way to sharper
teeth"
"To stash or not to stash"
"Begging for dummies"
"Getting your way with squeaks
and squirms"
"You CAN be alpha!"
"The lazy buck's guide to
tail grooming"
"Humping your cagemates
for fun and dominance"
"Marking: It makes
scents!"
"The art of T-shirt lace
making"
"Free ranging: 101 ways
to avoid capture"
"DIY Claw sharpening"
"The world is your toilet:
de-programming litter training"
"Beginners Bruxing"
"Toss a raisin and 101 other
ways to get attention"
With all the kerfuffle about the Sydney Olympics here in Australia recently, I realised that Bramble is quite athletic and could take on just about any event...
Weightlifting:
Hefting 625g of agouti cagemate off of him when he needs to get out of
the hammock to pee
Hurdles: Leaping
countless obstacles (the sofa, a shoe box, someone's legs, etc) to reach
a yogurt drop
High jump:
He can reach the treat container on the top of the bookshelf.
Javelin: How
far can he toss the litter from the cage?
Gymnastics:
The ability to balance on anything, and his elegant dismounts from the
hammock
Sprint: He's
not called the Brisbane Black Blur for nothing.
Marathon: His
adamant endurance and persistence at pleading to be let out of the cage
at night.
Relay: He's
really good at grabbing treats off his cagemates and then running away
fast.
Triathlon:
He can eat a yogurt drop, groom himself with his back leg and fend off
a marauding cagemate all at the same time.
Diving: He
dives headlong down my t-shirt at any opportunity.
Wrestling/Boxing/Judo:
Two words.... alpha rat.
Basketball:
Somehow everything in his cage manages to end up in the hanging water bowl.
Cycling: Sleep,
groom eat, sleep, groom, eat, sleep, groom, eat, sleep, groom, eat....
What I have learned from my rats
1. A little pee won't
hurt me
2. It is OK to steal
food off someone else's plate
3. If I'm small and
cute I can get away with just about anything
4. If I can fit it
in my mouth, it's food
5. Lazing around in
hammocks all day and partying all night is the only way to live
6. The world is my
toilet
7. All facial orifices
require regular inspection
8. If I have a dispute
with my neighbour it is socially appropriate for me to beat the crap out
of him
9. Sex, food and sleep
are my only priorities in life
10. I must be well
groomed at all times
Not all rats are as intelligent as the rest. Here's some terms for describing those less fortunate:
A few sunflowers short of
a seed mix
Not the quickest rodent
in the rat race
As bright as the inside
of a nest box
A few whiskers short of
a ratty kiss
As sharp as a dumbo's ears
The wheel's spinning, but
there's no one running
Fell out of the rodent family
tree
A few peas short of a good
dinner
As sharp as a bag of raisins
Signs your rat
has learned your internet password
- by ?? and with additions
from me
You find email flames in
your inbox from some guy named "Templeton"
You discover flecks of aspen
bedding in your keyboard
You've been subscribed to
strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.yogurtdrops
Your web browser has a new
home page: www.hotrats.com
Your mouse is resting in
a hammock in its very own deluxe cage
Your keyboard has a strong
territorial scent to it
On IRC you're known as KingRat
(or QueenRat)
There are tiny carpal tunnel
braces near your rat's cage
Your rat suddenly develops
the need to sway to focus on things
You find the tools and materials
required to construct a home-made bomb in your rat's stash
Your desktop image has been
changed to a photograph of some girl rat called Camille
Someone has run up your
credit card with purchases from www.vitakraft.com
The stickers have all been
stripped from your computer casing
Just managed to nab your naughty escapee rat? Caught your bad rat chewing on the rug? Found your studly buck illegally liaising with the girls? When you take him into custody, remember to read him his rights:
"You have the right to squeak
wildly.
You have the right
to squirm and scratch and bite my hands.
You have the right
to expel your bodily excretions all over my shirt.
Anything you do or
say will be taken down and used against you when you're returned to your
cage...
where you will plead
innocent, we will crumble at your cuteness and you will be offered a yogurt
drop."
More
of Wedeking's Rattoons
Back to
index
Raisins... rats certainly produce a lot of them, so why not capitalise on their efforts!
Food additive:
Raisin toast with butter
Raisin muffins
Raisin and oatmeal cookies
Raisin chip cookies
Roasted raisin butter
Spearmint and raisin herbal
tea
Crunchy raisin salad sprinkles
Raisin bouquet garni - great
flavour enhancer for soups and stews!
Gourmet chocolate coated
raisins
Cake decorations
Raisin crackles - fun for
kids parties!
Industrial applications:
Fuel (Hey! They use
elephant dung in some countries as fuel, why not?)
Wood putty
Fertilizer
Ammunition
Ball bearings
Fishing gear - a sinker
and burly in one!
Bicycle tyre puncture kits
A cheap alternative to Blue-tac
Interior design:
Chimes (quiet chimes - just
my style)
Collectibles (anyone try
selling their genuine Rat Raisins on eBay?)
Bonsai decorative pebbles
Raisin wattle and daub feature
walls
Interesting pot pourri
Arts and crafts:
Mosaics (Just add food colouring!)
Raisin crayon sketching
Unique beads for embroidered
cushions
Medicinal and cosmetic
use:
Therapeutic raisin heat
pillows
Raisin mud packs
Ear plugs
Aromatherapy bath bombs
Toys:
Beanie baby beans
Used in rattles
Woopy cushion scent additive
An alternative to marbles
1. To make themselves
all tender and sweet for us.
2. Pee is a great
leave-in conditioning treatment for rat fur, didn't you know?
3. Pee is warm on
cold nights... ever peed in a wet suit during a winter scuba dive / surf?
4. Ahhh... the delightful
tantalising aroma of Eau de Buck... drives the does wild!
5. The nest box sauna
is great for relieving tired, aching muscles after a hard workout wreaking
havoc about the house.
6. So that their owners
will bathe them... they secretly enjoy it.
7. The moist environment
prevents ring tail and dry skin.
8. Involvement in
the Global Marination Amplification Project (a clandestine rat organisation
for world dominance).
9. To attract their
owners attention, even if it is only "Euuuuw! You disgusting beasts!".
10. Because they're
too darned lazy to go to the litter tray
1. Rat addiction is
not fattening.
2. Rats can be obtained
legally and cheaply.
3. Rats may make you
act silly at times, but at least they don't make you vomit in the gutter
in front of your friends.
4. Rat addiction can
cause health problems, but is generally not fatal.
5. No one has to know
you have an addiction as long as you cover up the neck and arm scratches,
and repair chewed clothing.
6. It is not considered
morally wrong to kiss the bellies of rats of any age.
7. There have been
no reported incidents of negligent mothers locking babies in cars while
they go to play with ratlets in the
pet shop for hours.
8. Rat addiction may
send you bankrupt, but at least it's for a good cause.
9. Rataholicism is
a social addiction, and encourages you to share your experiences with others.
10. Rats are cute
and fun and have soft furry bellies.
Tired of shaving your legs?
Fed up with razor nicks and rashes? Can't afford the expense of professional
waxing?
Then this is the product
for you! The EpiRatty(TM)!
The EpiRatty(TM) is a large
cute agouti rat. No batteries required, just rub his butt and he
will barber your skin, delicately ripping
out those unwanted hairs
in seconds! He even has a built in lick mode that soothes the skin
afterwards.
Phone 555 EPI RAT. Our operators are standing by.
Pathetic excuses
for getting another rat
Inspired By Andreas'
NRF, with additions from Bernice, Lyssa, Missy
Ever brought home a new rat and had to explain yourself to your partner/parents/friend? Here's some ideas for next time.
1. One of my current
rats is a loner and needed a friend.
2. I needed just one
more to even out my odd rat numbers
3. He followed me
home, I swear!
4. I had too much
empty cage space... it needed filling
5. I don't have a
<insert specific marking / colour> rat yet!
6. But <insert
innocent friend's name> got one!
7. I had some spare
cash on me
8. I didn't realise
he'd fallen asleep in my backpack!
9. I couldn't leave
him there with all those other rats - they bit!
10. It's not a new
rat, I've always had that one, you just haven't noticed him before
11. My vet bills were
affordable this month, I can afford another rat
12. I haven't hurled
a sock at the cage in weeks, I need to add a new rat to the mix
13. I get a discount
rate if I buy Baytril by the gallon
14. Another rat will
only add 300 additional grams of biomass to my existing pets. Everyone
added together still weighs MUCH less than the neighbor's single German
Shepherd.
15. I'm feeling maternal
16. This rat isn't
for ME, it's for the KIDS!
Ratty Products
we'd like to see
These great ideas were
submitted by the creative and entertaining members of the ratlist.
10 things you'll never hear from your rat cage
1. Free range time?
Nah... I think I'll just sleep in today.
2. Not avocado AGAIN?!!
3. We simply can't
ALL fit in this hammock!
4. Anyone else want
this pecan?
5. Back in a tic...
have to go downstairs to use the litter tray.
6. No more thanks
mum, I'm full.
7. Euuuw!! That
smells like girl rat! [or boy rat, if you have girls]
8. OK, I'll admit
it... it was me who messed up the cage.
9. Hey! That's
MY lab block! <squeaking>
10. WooHooo!
It's cleaning day! And about time too... it stinks of PEE in here!
Marriage counselling
By Uli Stein
More
of Uli Stein's cartoons
Back to
index
These great ratty cuisine cookbook titles were submitted by the creative and entertaining members of the ratlist.
I've often wondered if any rat owners in the world have actually died from the following life-threatening incidents, many of which I've faced. Cause of death descriptions:
"Choking on an overenthusiastic
rodentist."
"Fell asleep in the rat
room during pre-dinner free range time."
"Fatal concussion from fall
while attempting to avoid treading on free ranging rodent"
"Heart burst in chest while
watching cute ratlet eye boggling."
"Shot while attacking an
insensitive intolerodent in a vet office."
"Starvation due to giving
rats all the food in the house."
"Broken heart when a beloved
rat passed on."
"Heart attack after finding
massacre scene in cage, having forgotten rats were fed strawberries the
night before."
"Fatal car crash while emergency
braking to avoid running down wild rat on the road."
"Bled to death as a result
of rat bathing scratch injuries to arms."
It's dangerous owning rats...
The Seven Wonders of the Rat World
1. Bouquet de Buck.
How can their fur smell
so fresh and delightful even though we know what they sleep in?
2. Kale.
Come on now, how can they
possibly like this stuff?! It's green, fat-free and highly nutritious
for them!
3. Facial spelunking.
Just what is the
fascination with ear, nose and mouth cavities? It's not like we hide treats
in there.
4. Pancaking.
How is it that a big squishy
rat can flatten himself sufficiently and still be anatomically capable
of crawling through a 1" gap under heavy immovable furniture?
5. Rat science.
How can rats disobey the
laws of physics [The volume of a nest box is equivalent to half the volume
of the rats that are currently
sleeping in it] and math
[cute rat + cute rat = cute rat squared]?
6. Treat intuition.
How do they intrinsically
know
you have a treat you aren't sharing even if you're out of sight, sound
and sniffing distance?
7. Cost effectiveness.
Why is it that the chances
of them eating a particular food is directly proportional to the cost,
and yet their chances of them playing with a particular toy is indirectly
proportional to the cost?
The new TV series sensation! In "Mink eye for the agouti guy" we take your average laid back agouti squish and transform him with the flamboyant skills of five fabulous minks!
Our minky gourmet teaches
the normally happy-to-eat-anything agouti to have some discernment and
demand
to be fed only the best avocado and corn.
Our minky grooming consultant
trains the disheveled agouti to preen his fur to lustrous perfection, never
a whisker out of place, so that the camera, indeed the whole world, will
love him.
Our minky interior designer
shows the lazy agouti how to achieve that "artistically trashed" look so
fashionable in rat cages these days.
Our minky cultural specialist
trains the hapless agouti to perfect that trademark "Who me?" innocent
expression, so that he can get away with any naughtiness.
Tune in to "Mink eye for the agouti guy" this week on The Ratty Channel!
10 funny things bucks do with their goolies
1. Dip them in the
water bowl to cool off.
2. Lick them in front
of guests.
3. Use them as pee
paint rollers.
4. Hang them off the
edge of hammocks so that's all you can see of the rat.
5. Drag them through
the food dish.
6. Rest them on the
heads of other rats.
7. Sit them down on
your bare legs so that it feels all warm and you think they've peed on
you.
8. Ensure they're
always able to be seen in photographs.
9. Dangle them off
the edge of shelves during hot weather to catch the breeze.
10. Get food scraps
stuck to them.
Back to: The
Ratty Fun Pages
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The Ratty Fun Pages |
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