The Bad Rat Pledge
Inspired by The
Bad Pets Lists
I will not graze on the carpet.
It is not considered "cool"
to beat up rats smaller than myself.
There is no need to steal treats
from others when I am given one of equal size of my own
I will not leave raisins on
the sofa for unsuspecting human butts.
Pots are for growing plants
in, not digging up.
I will refrain from climbing
down the blouses of female visitors.
There is no nutritional value
in used tissues.
Chewing on electrical cords
is not fun, even if it elicits such an enthusiastic response from my human.
Peeing on the remote control
does not give me the right to choose the tv channel, nor does it endear
myself to my humans so that they turn the tv off and play with me.
I will not develop a foam mining
enterprise in my human's mattress.
Unlike their favourite old t-shirt,
peeing on their crisp newly ironed white business shirt as they leave for
work will not elicit a loving response.
Licking my goolies in public
is considered a faux pas.
I will not create a fake massacre
scene in my cage when I eat red foods.
Barbering others is nothing
more than gratuitous graffiti.
I will not start a game of hide
and seek every time my human calls me back to my cage.
If I was meant to eat recycled
paper pellets, they would be placed in my food bowl rather than my litter
I will endure a bath like the
calm, dignified rodent I am.
Bath time means a bath, not
a chance to jump out and eat the soap.
I will do my best not to tread
in squishy raisins and trample them all over the house and my human.
I will not find amusement in
nipping my cagemate's butt as he exits the hammock.
Adding urine to my water does
not make it taste better.
When my human lets me out after
completing their 100 page assignment, I will refrain from exploring the
Chewing of cage wires does not
elicit a favourable response from my human.
When dinner is being served,
I will control myself and share with my cagemates in a sensible fashion.
I will go about my night-time
business in respectful silence.
When I don't want to go home
to the cage yet, I will not wedge myself under immovable furniture.
I will not give my human a heart
attack by sleeping soundly with my eyes open.
Human saliva is not a tasty
I am not qualified to give my
human a manicure, pedicure, ear cleaning, nose cleaning, or dental exam.
I will not try to run off to
the boy rats' cage at every possible chance.
The newspaper that lines my
shelf does not need to be shredded to bits and thrown out the cage bars.
I do not need to pee on the
magazine my human is reading, even if it is "yellow journalism".
My human lovingly handcrafted
this cozy hammock for me... so I must not pee in it, poop in it, eat staining
foods in it, or chew six holes in it.
I will refrain from sofa spelunking.
I will not squeak in bloody
terror when my human is trying to give me medicine and I will certainly
not spit it out afterwards.
I will not climb the curtains
and play along the curtain rod just out of reach of my human.
Band-Aids are there for a purpose
and are not to be removed without permission.
I will not sit on top of the
boys' cage when I am in heat and flap my ears coyly to drive them insane.
I will not teach my offspring
to be as bad as I am.
I will not climb into the printer,
scanner or paper shredder, especially when it is on. That also goes
for the washing machine, clothes dryer, microwave, fridge and dishwasher.
I will refrain from jumping
into my human's coffee mug and then walking coffee prints all over the
My food is placed in my own
bowl, not on my human's dinner plate.
I will not throw bedding out
of my cage at the cat.
When the dog barks at me and
sticks his nose into my cage, I will not stoop to his level and bite him...
after all, he's just a big stupid beast and doesn't know any better.
I will not bite my human's earrings,
especially when she is wearing them.
Humping my cagemates is not
an acceptable outlet for sexual frustration.
I will choose a more appropriate
place than the litter tray to wrestle with my cagemate.
Chewing small holes in blankets,
towels, clothes, bedcovers, etc is not appreciated as "ratty lace".
Socked toes are not fair game.
I will eat all the skins of
my fresh foods rather than scatter them all over the cage.
I will use my cage brick to
keep my claws blunt, not as a honing tool for precision sharpness.
Diving down my human's shirt
and scratching them with my nails just to hear them squeal is not an acceptable
Free range time is a privilege,
not a right.
Begging for another treat after
stashing the first one does not fool my human.
I will try to remember to groom
my tail... at least once a year.
When visiting the vet, I will
conduct myself with decorum.
It's rarely ever wise to chew
a hammock hook while lazing in it.
I will not tunnel under my bedding
and knock all my toys, cagemates and food bowls over.
Yogurt drops are to be eaten
in moderation, so I will refrain from begging for them 24 hours a day.
When I'm working with my human
in a PR capacity, I will not pee on, chew the clothes of, poop on, bite,
sniff embarrassing body parts of, scratch the skin of, or otherwise deter
those who might be interested in having rats as pets.
I will stash anything I get
my hands on in a location known and accessible to my human.
It is not considered polite
to take food from my human's mouth.
I will strike perfect statuesque
poses every time the camera lens points in my direction.
I will refrain from flaunting
my enormous torpedoes at anatomically inadequate human male visitors.
Just because my owners fingers
smell like avocado does not mean they are edible.
I will not attempt to mate with
the rat girls through their cage bars.
Candles are for humans, I must
not eat the wax.
I will endure my human's cuddling,
belly kissing and smoochy baby talk with stoic dignity.
If I simply must chew something,
I will opt for one of the countless expensive chew toys my human provides
for me that lie around like abandoned relics in my cage.
I will not demand avocado and
smoked salmon for dinner every night.
My human does not approve of
kisses immediately after I've groomed my butt.
I will not look all angelic
while my human is attempting to reprimand me.
My human provides me with lots
of toys, I do not need to play with other household items.
I will not cling to that spot
between my human's shoulder blades where I cannot be removed without assistance.
I must remember that human skin
simply does not have the traction required for vertical climbs.
Sneaking up on the family cat
and biting his tail is not considered good form.
I will not sniff human's breath,
then turn around and sniff my goolies for comparison.
I will refrain from climbing
into the popcorn bag until my owner has had a chance to taste it.
I will not eat, threaten to
eat, bite, groom excessively, spindle, mutilate, or otherwise terrorize
my new cagemates.
Walking down one level of my
cage to use the litter tray is not inconvenient. Besides, it's good
exercise for me.
I will not pee in my dry food
Water bowls are not provided
for tail washing, dangling balls in or as a repository for unwanted lab
I understand that my human must
spend time on the computer instead of playing with me, and will therefore
not chew through the mouse cord to get attention any chance I get.
I will not resort to maniacal
blood-letting with my cagemates over inconsequential things like inequality
in treat size, use of the nest box, or who gets to go out the cage door
first at free range time.
I will not poop uncontrollably
in front of strangers.
I will not hump one of my cage
mates when my human has visitors so my human gets asked embarrassing questions
like, "Did you know your rats are mating?" so s/he has to explain why girl
rats do this to one another.
Peeing all over myself and my
cagemates does not make us smell irresistible.
When called, my cagemates and
I will return home after free range time in a prompt and orderly fashion.
I will not make so much racket
in my cage at night by throwing various toys etc about and make give our
human heart failure because s/he thinks there are burglars in the house
and then look innocent when our human gets up to check.
Paper towels are not rat food.
When conversing with other rats,
I will not refer to my human as "The Rat Slave".
I will not stare forlornly at
my human, nose pressed through the bars of the cage, when she is having
dinner and make her feel guilty so we get most of what she was eating.
I will not.... I will not...
Ah, stuff it, I'll do whatever
the heck I want to do, because my human doesn't believe there is such a
thing as a 'bad' rat, and even if I destroy things of great value or behave
in a terribly embarrassing way (including using guests as a urinal), s/he's
just going to say 'awwwww' and give us extra avocado treats and tummy kisses!
With thanks to all our
contributors: all on the ratlist,
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