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Assorted Rat Humour

How to tell your boy rat has reached puberty

1.  You find much chewed copies of PlayRat magazine in his stash when cleaning up his cage.
2.  He's given up all his favourite healthy treats in favour of yogurt drops and coke.
3.  He demands you put a lockable privacy door on the litter tray.
4.  555-HOTRATS is programmed into your phone's speed dial.
5.  You discover that your drivers license has been "fixed" with a photo of your rat, so he can get into clubs.
6.  Scritches are no longer acceptable in public places.
7.  He dribbles pee all over your house without embarrassment

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Why pet rocks are better than pet rats

1.  Rocks don't poop
2.  Rocks don't scent mark, although if they're dirty they can leave smudges
3.  Rocks don't need to be fed or watered
4.  Rocks stay where you put them, don't try to escape from their cages and don't run under the furniture to hide
5.  Rocks don't gnaw everything in your house
6.  Very few people are allergic to rocks
7.  Rocks don't breed uncontrollably
8.  Rocks are rarely territorial or hormonally aggressive
9.  When you take your rock out in public, people are never appalled about your choice of pet
10.  Rocks don't run up huge vet bills
11.  Rocks hardly ever get infestations of lice or fleas
12.  Although rocks can scratch you, they never bite
13.  Rocks have a much much much longer life span

Shame they don't brux, give you whiskery kisses, enjoy cuddling up in your lap, do comical and clever things, get up to mischief, beg for treats and love you.

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Rats by Dr Seuss

If your ratty gets all scatty 'cos his coat is getting matty
And he's acting kinda batty now he doesn't look so natty
If he starts to get all chatty and to voice pratty demands
Then beware! You've got a bratty tatty ratty on your hands.

If your doe has had a go with all her bro' bucks in a row
And you've seen her face aglow and her belly grow with woe
If she's getting glad and gloating and gargantuous in girth
Then at any time you guess that your grand girl is gonna birth

If your buck has had no luck getting his lazy butt unstuck
And you pluck him from his hammock to a chorus of "You suck!"
If his flaccid furry form is in a squishy slug disguise
Then it's right to get this roly rotund rat some exercise.

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The Verminator! Dishwasher

<over enthusiastic promotional voice>

Tired of hours spent slaving away at the kitchen sink or enduring ugly dishpan hands? Annoyed at the inefficiency and complicated use of those other dishwashers?  Then this is the product for you!

Designed by a team of world class biologists, The Verminator! is the cutting edge in kitchen cleaning technology.  Just place your dirty dishes in the specially designed rodent cage and within minutes The Verminator!'s biological cleaning agents will produce sparkling clean dishes.  No need to add any of those nasty chemical detergents and with no electricity use you'll be saving money and the environment!

The Verminator! Dishwasher - for squeaky clean dishes!

But wait... there's more!!  Buy today and you'll receive not one, but two hungry rats!  Yes, that's right... this wonderful new product complete with two hungry rats.  Double the cleaning power - perfect for dinner parties and other high speed cleaning applications.

And as a special to our credit card customers who phone in the next 30 minutes, a free introductory offer of a pair of baby mice, perfect for cleaning delicate glassware.

Yes, that's right, you get The Verminator!, not one, but two hungry rats PLUS a pair of baby mice... everything you'll ever want for your kitchen cleaning needs, all at this amazingly low price!!!

Call now on 555-CleanRat, our operators are standing by.

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Rat Property Laws
<adapted from Kid Property Laws>

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If I've peed on it, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If you've got something larger, it's mine.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it's in my reach, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken or it tastes bad, it's yours.

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Why rats are better than babies

1.  You don't have to change poopy nappies on rats and they can be toilet trained from as early as 5 weeks.
2.  Rats may not sleep through the night, but they have the sense to not scream their lungs out and wake you (and all the neighbourhood) up too.
3.  If you need a break from your rats, you can put them in their cage for a time out.
4.  Rats don't need your body for feeding times.
5.  Rat cages may be expensive, but they're much cheaper than prams/strollers, cots, basinettes, change tables, high chairs, slings, car capsules, etc.
6.  Rats rarely projectile vomit on you.
7.  Rats are cute all the time, not just when they're asleep.
8.  Rats don't require expensive trendy outfits which will be outgrown within days.
9.  You can acquire rat toys for free from recycle bins and kitchen waste.
10.  Rats don't grow up to be bratty teenagers.
11.  Rats don't need bibs and they clean their faces themselves.

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The Rat's Revenge
by Uli Stein

More of Uli Stein's cartoons
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Rat jokes

Q.  How many rats does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  One.  Nimbus to hold the bulb in and wait for the world to revolve around him.
A.  Two.  One to remove the old one, the other to pee all over the replacement bulb so that it trips the electrical circuit.
A.  None, they prefer to be in the dark.
A.  All of them.  One to take the bulb out and the others to fight over who gets to stash it.
A.  Why change it?  The rats have already gnawed through all the house wiring, which is why the bulb wasn't working in the first place.

Q.  What's the difference between rats and kids?
A.  Although both leave stuff all over the floor, at least a rat will stash it all into a neat pile somewhere out of sight.

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Lesser known literary quotes

Gone with the wind - Margaret Mitchell
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's arse"

A tale of two cities - Charles Dickens
"They were the best of rats, they were the worst of rats"
(Obviously referring to Statty and Nimbus)

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner - S.T. Colleridge
"Ratties, ratties everywhere
And all the house did stink
Ratties, ratties everywhere
Too many rats you'd think"
"As idle as a painted buck
Upon a painted hammock"

 Romeo and Juliet - Shakespeare
"O Ratty, Ratty! wherefore art thou ratty?"

Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in
possession of a good fortune must be in want of a rat"

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New element discovered

Element:  Rattium
Symbol:  Rt
Atomic weight:  450g

Physical properties:
A solid a room temperature, although has a tendency to melt into a pliable form when massaged.
Despite attraction for power cords, it is a poor electrical conductor.
Far from dense.
Thermally insulated by a layer of soft fibres which magnetically attracts human skin of the hands and lips.
Emits an audible alarm when squeezed or poked.

Chemical properties:
Rt+ attempts to bond with Rt- at any chance it gets.
Rt+ can become explosive when mixed with similar ions, but is effectively diffused by removal of large electrons to form neutral Rt.
Propensity to consume any organic matter it encounters.
Becomes excited by addition of Element Yg (Yogurtdropium).
Insoluble in water, although wetting tends to turn it into a harshly acidic reagent that is hazardous to human skin.
Once established in an area, it acts as a catalyst for the absorption of more and more of like element into that area.

Industrial use is limited to minor fertilizer production and as a biological paper shredder.
Considered by some to be a rare and precious commodity in it's natural state.

Prone to leakage of internal fluids.
Without careful monitoring, can cause environmental degradation.

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Rat self help courses

The Rodent Education Centre offers the following courses, available to all ratties:

"Gnaw your way to sharper teeth"
"To stash or not to stash"
"Begging for dummies"
"Getting your way with squeaks and squirms"
"You CAN be alpha!"
"The lazy buck's guide to tail grooming"
"Humping your cagemates for fun and dominance"
"Marking:  It makes scents!"
"The art of T-shirt lace making"
"Free ranging: 101 ways to avoid capture"
"DIY Claw sharpening"
"The world is your toilet: de-programming litter training"
"Beginners Bruxing"
"Toss a raisin and 101 other ways to get attention"

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The Ratty Olympics

With all the kerfuffle about the Sydney Olympics here in Australia recently, I realised that Bramble is quite athletic and could take on just about any event...

Weightlifting:  Hefting 625g of agouti cagemate off of him when he needs to get out of the hammock to pee
Hurdles:  Leaping countless obstacles (the sofa, a shoe box, someone's legs, etc) to reach a yogurt drop
High jump:  He can reach the treat container on the top of the bookshelf.
Javelin:  How far can he toss the litter from the cage?
Gymnastics:  The ability to balance on anything, and his elegant dismounts from the hammock
Sprint:  He's not called the Brisbane Black Blur for nothing.
Marathon:  His adamant endurance and persistence at pleading to be let out of the cage at night.
Relay:  He's really good at grabbing treats off his cagemates and then running away fast.
Triathlon:  He can eat a yogurt drop, groom himself with his back leg and fend off a marauding cagemate all at the same time.
Diving:  He dives headlong down my t-shirt at any opportunity.
Wrestling/Boxing/Judo:  Two words.... alpha rat.
Basketball:  Somehow everything in his cage manages to end up in the hanging water bowl.
Cycling:  Sleep, groom eat, sleep, groom, eat, sleep, groom, eat, sleep, groom, eat....

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What I have learned from my rats

1.  A little pee won't hurt me
2.  It is OK to steal food off someone else's plate
3.  If I'm small and cute I can get away with just about anything
4.  If I can fit it in my mouth, it's food
5.  Lazing around in hammocks all day and partying all night is the only way to live
6.  The world is my toilet
7.  All facial orifices require regular inspection
8.  If I have a dispute with my neighbour it is socially appropriate for me to beat the crap out of him
9.  Sex, food and sleep are my only priorities in life
10.  I must be well groomed at all times

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Simple rats

Not all rats are as intelligent as the rest.  Here's some terms for describing those less fortunate:

A few sunflowers short of a seed mix
Not the quickest rodent in the rat race
As bright as the inside of a nest box
A few whiskers short of a ratty kiss
As sharp as a dumbo's ears
The wheel's spinning, but there's no one running
Fell out of the rodent family tree
A few peas short of a good dinner
As sharp as a bag of raisins

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Signs your rat has learned your internet password
- by ?? and with additions from me

You find email flames in your inbox from some guy named "Templeton"
You discover flecks of aspen bedding in your keyboard
You've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.yogurtdrops
Your web browser has a new home page: www.hotrats.com
Your mouse is resting in a hammock in its very own deluxe cage
Your keyboard has a strong territorial scent to it
On IRC you're known as KingRat (or QueenRat)
There are tiny carpal tunnel braces near your rat's cage
Your rat suddenly develops the need to sway to focus on things
You find the tools and materials required to construct a home-made bomb in your rat's stash
Your desktop image has been changed to a photograph of some girl rat called Camille
Someone has run up your credit card with purchases from www.vitakraft.com
The stickers have all been stripped from your computer casing

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Ratty Rights!

Just managed to nab your naughty escapee rat?  Caught your bad rat chewing on the rug?  Found your studly buck illegally liaising with the girls?  When you take him into custody, remember to read him his rights:

"You have the right to squeak wildly.
 You have the right to squirm and scratch and bite my hands.
 You have the right to expel your bodily excretions all over my shirt.
 Anything you do or say will be taken down and used against you when you're returned to your cage...
 where you will plead innocent, we will crumble at your cuteness and you will be offered a yogurt drop."

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ToDo List
By Dan Wedeking

More of Wedeking's Rattoons
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101 uses for rat raisins
Inspired by Nat of RatRaisins Inc. and with additions by me

Raisins... rats certainly produce a lot of them, so why not capitalise on their efforts!

Food additive:
Raisin toast with butter
Raisin muffins
Raisin and oatmeal cookies
Raisin chip cookies
Roasted raisin butter
Spearmint and raisin herbal tea
Crunchy raisin salad sprinkles
Raisin bouquet garni - great flavour enhancer for soups and stews!
Gourmet chocolate coated raisins
Cake decorations
Raisin crackles - fun for kids parties!

Industrial applications:
Fuel (Hey!  They use elephant dung in some countries as fuel, why not?)
Wood putty
Ball bearings
Fishing gear - a sinker and burly in one!
Bicycle tyre puncture kits
A cheap alternative to Blue-tac

Interior design:
Chimes (quiet chimes - just my style)
Collectibles (anyone try selling their genuine Rat Raisins on eBay?)
Bonsai decorative pebbles
Raisin wattle and daub feature walls
Interesting pot pourri

Arts and crafts:
Mosaics (Just add food colouring!)
Raisin crayon sketching
Unique beads for embroidered cushions

Medicinal and cosmetic use:
Therapeutic raisin heat pillows
Raisin mud packs
Ear plugs
Aromatherapy bath bombs

Beanie baby beans
Used in rattles
Woopy cushion scent additive
An alternative to marbles

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The top ten reasons why rats love to marinate
Inspired by Nash and the ratlist.

1.  To make themselves all tender and sweet for us.
2.  Pee is a great leave-in conditioning treatment for rat fur, didn't you know?
3.  Pee is warm on cold nights... ever peed in a wet suit during a winter scuba dive / surf?
4.  Ahhh... the delightful tantalising aroma of Eau de Buck... drives the does wild!
5.  The nest box sauna is great for relieving tired, aching muscles after a hard workout wreaking havoc about the house.
6.  So that their owners will bathe them... they secretly enjoy it.
7.  The moist environment prevents ring tail and dry skin.
8.  Involvement in the Global Marination Amplification Project (a clandestine rat organisation for world dominance).
9.  To attract their owners attention, even if it is only "Euuuuw!  You disgusting beasts!".
10.  Because they're too darned lazy to go to the litter tray

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The top ten reasons to choose rataholicism

1.  Rat addiction is not fattening.
2.  Rats can be obtained legally and cheaply.
3.  Rats may make you act silly at times, but at least they don't make you vomit in the gutter in front of your friends.
4.  Rat addiction can cause health problems, but is generally not fatal.
5.  No one has to know you have an addiction as long as you cover up the neck and arm scratches, and repair chewed clothing.
6.  It is not considered morally wrong to kiss the bellies of rats of any age.
7.  There have been no reported incidents of negligent mothers locking babies in cars while they go to play with ratlets in the
pet shop for hours.
8.  Rat addiction may send you bankrupt, but at least it's for a good cause.
9.  Rataholicism is a social addiction, and encourages you to share your experiences with others.
10.  Rats are cute and fun and have soft furry bellies.

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The EpiRatty

Tired of shaving your legs?  Fed up with razor nicks and rashes?  Can't afford the expense of professional waxing?
Then this is the product for you!  The EpiRatty(TM)!

The EpiRatty(TM) is a large cute agouti rat.  No batteries required, just rub his butt and he will barber your skin, delicately ripping
out those unwanted hairs in seconds!  He even has a built in lick mode that soothes the skin afterwards.

Phone 555 EPI RAT.  Our operators are standing by.

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Pathetic excuses for getting another rat
Inspired By Andreas' NRF, with additions from Bernice, Lyssa, Missy

Ever brought home a new rat and had to explain yourself to your partner/parents/friend?  Here's some ideas for next time.

1.  One of my current rats is a loner and needed a friend.
2.  I needed just one more to even out my odd rat numbers
3.  He followed me home, I swear!
4.  I had too much empty cage space... it needed filling
5.  I don't have a <insert specific marking / colour> rat yet!
6.  But <insert innocent friend's name> got one!
7.  I had some spare cash on me
8.  I didn't realise he'd fallen asleep in my backpack!
9.  I couldn't leave him there with all those other rats - they bit!
10.  It's not a new rat, I've always had that one, you just haven't noticed him before
11.  My vet bills were affordable this month, I can afford another rat
12.  I haven't hurled a sock at the cage in weeks, I need to add a new rat to the mix
13.  I get a discount rate if I buy Baytril by the gallon
14.  Another rat will only add 300 additional grams of biomass to my existing pets.  Everyone added together still weighs MUCH less than the neighbor's single German Shepherd.
15.  I'm feeling maternal
16.  This rat isn't for ME, it's for the KIDS!

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Ratty Products we'd like to see
These great ideas were submitted by the creative and entertaining members of the ratlist.

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10 things you'll never hear from your rat cage

1.  Free range time?  Nah... I think I'll just sleep in today.
2.  Not avocado AGAIN?!!
3.  We simply can't ALL fit in this hammock!
4.  Anyone else want this pecan?
5.  Back in a tic... have to go downstairs to use the litter tray.
6.  No more thanks mum, I'm full.
7.  Euuuw!!  That smells like girl rat! [or boy rat, if you have girls]
8.  OK, I'll admit it... it was me who messed up the cage.
9.  Hey!  That's MY lab block!  <squeaking>
10.  WooHooo!  It's cleaning day!  And about time too... it stinks of PEE in here!

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Marriage counselling
By Uli Stein

More of Uli Stein's cartoons
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Cooking with rats

These great ratty cuisine cookbook titles were submitted by the creative and entertaining members of the ratlist.

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Cause of death

I've often wondered if any rat owners in the world have actually died from the following life-threatening incidents, many of which I've faced.  Cause of death descriptions:

"Choking on an overenthusiastic rodentist."
"Fell asleep in the rat room during pre-dinner free range time."
"Fatal concussion from fall while attempting to avoid treading on free ranging rodent"
"Heart burst in chest while watching cute ratlet eye boggling."
"Shot while attacking an insensitive intolerodent in a vet office."
"Starvation due to giving rats all the food in the house."
"Broken heart when a beloved rat passed on."
"Heart attack after finding massacre scene in cage, having forgotten rats were fed strawberries the night before."
"Fatal car crash while emergency braking to avoid running down wild rat on the road."
"Bled to death as a result of rat bathing scratch injuries to arms."

It's dangerous owning rats...

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MGM's new logo?
Submitted by Nat of RatRaisins, Inc.

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The Seven Wonders of the Rat World

1.  Bouquet de Buck.
How can their fur smell so fresh and delightful even though we know what they sleep in?

2.  Kale.
Come on now, how can they possibly like this stuff?!  It's green, fat-free and highly nutritious for them!

3.  Facial spelunking.
Just what is the fascination with ear, nose and mouth cavities? It's not like we hide treats in there.

4.  Pancaking.
How is it that a big squishy rat can flatten himself sufficiently and still be anatomically capable of crawling through a 1" gap under heavy immovable furniture?

5.  Rat science.
How can rats disobey the laws of physics [The volume of a nest box is equivalent to half the volume of the rats that are currently
sleeping in it] and math [cute rat + cute rat = cute rat squared]?

6.  Treat intuition.
How do they intrinsically know you have a treat you aren't sharing even if you're out of sight, sound and sniffing distance?

7.  Cost effectiveness.
Why is it that the chances of them eating a particular food is directly proportional to the cost, and yet their chances of them playing with a particular toy is indirectly proportional to the cost?

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"Mink eye for the agouti guy"

The new TV series sensation!  In "Mink eye for the agouti guy" we take your average laid back agouti squish and transform him with the flamboyant skills of five fabulous minks!

Our minky gourmet teaches the normally happy-to-eat-anything agouti to have some discernment and demand to be fed only the best avocado and corn.
Our minky grooming consultant trains the disheveled agouti to preen his fur to lustrous perfection, never a whisker out of place, so that the camera, indeed the whole world, will love him.
Our minky interior designer shows the lazy agouti how to achieve that "artistically trashed" look so fashionable in rat cages these days.
Our minky cultural specialist trains the hapless agouti to perfect that trademark "Who me?" innocent expression, so that he can get away with any naughtiness.

Tune in to "Mink eye for the agouti guy" this week on The Ratty Channel!

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10 funny things bucks do with their goolies

1.  Dip them in the water bowl to cool off.
2.  Lick them in front of guests.
3.  Use them as pee paint rollers.
4.  Hang them off the edge of hammocks so that's all you can see of the rat.
5.  Drag them through the food dish.
6.  Rest them on the heads of other rats.
7.  Sit them down on your bare legs so that it feels all warm and you think they've peed on you.
8.  Ensure they're always able to be seen in photographs.
9.  Dangle them off the edge of shelves during hot weather to catch the breeze.
10.  Get food scraps stuck to them.

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All rat humour items by me, unless otherwise indicated.
If you know who wrote any of the ?? items, please tell me so I can credit them.

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